Four Keys to Effectively Conveying...
The first key is to really get that our assumptions, opinions, and conclusions are exactly that…OUR assumptions, opinions and conclusions….and they may be wrong. Often we confuse our opinions with the facts. Have you ever had someone wrongly conclude something about you, but instead of telling you they just acted on it as if it was a fact?
So the first key is to understand that OUR assumptions, opinions and conclusions are not always accurate. Sometimes they are, but we must remain open to the possibility that they are not.
The second key is “check” your assumptions, opinions and conclusions, investigate them. “Checking” them and investigating opens the lines of communication and encourages honest feedback. This has the added benefit of helping to prevent false assumptions, opinions and conclusions about you. This minimizes the possibility of costly confusion and encourages everyone to make decisions based on facts
Here are 5 questions you can ask to get feedback that will help you “check” your assumptions, opinions and conclusions:
- 1. In my mind, I am thinking ________, is that correct?
2. What is your ideal outcome for this project?
3. Is this what you wanted?
4. On a scale of 1 to 10, how well are we doing? What would make it a 10?
5. How could we work more effectively with each other?
Remember, questions are the key, and whether you use these, a variation of them, or your own, use them frequently to “check in” and clarify. By basing your decisions on facts, rather than assumptions, opinions and conclusions, you will make your job easier and more enjoyable and will create the work environment you desire and deserve.
Third, offer your opinions and conclusions with the true belief you might be wrong. But the key is you must believe it. If you just pretend that you might be wrong, while in your heart you know you are right, it will not work. For example, can’t you tell when someone is mad at you even though they say they are not? Or how about when someone says, “I am not blaming you” even though they are. This is because most of us are lousy actors and people see right though this charade. This is why some people, who go to communication seminars and only learn to say the right words, often come across as fake. It’s because they haven’t changed what they truly believe.
The truth, as is proven in my communication seminar "The Fish Isn’t Sick...The Water’s Dirty", is that we are often wrong about our assumptions, opinions and conclusions. Sometimes it just doesn’t look that way because once we have an opinion we tend to look for evidence that is consistent with our opinion. We see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe. For example, once we label someone as difficult to deal with that is all we tend to see. If they compliment us we tend to assume that they must be up to something. This is why many people who are labeled as a bad performer or difficult to deal with find it very hard to change people’s opinions.
Have you ever had someone accuse you of something, which they are right about, but because of their tone, you denied it? When we are open to the possibility that we might be wrong, we see things differently (that we might have missed). We say things differently. We frame the conversation from an entirely different perspective. After all, even when what we think is actually correct, people will be more accepting when we say it with the sincere belief that we might be wrong.
Consider this: with whom would you rather work, someone who thinks they are right all the time or someone who is sincerely open to the possibility that they may be wrong. Most of us don't like being around people who are self-righteous—even if they have a point. Instead, we like to be around people who are open to the possibility that they may be wrong.
The fourth key, to effectively conveying assumptions, opinions and conclusions that are difficult to say, is to suggest one thing you could have done differently. The more you take responsibility for the things you could have done differently and say it, the more it sends a message to the other person that you are not blaming. Additionally, this will most likely encourage the other person to think of things he or she could have done as well. And by not blaming, you allow the other person an opportunity to consider the point differently... without feeling defensive.
So here is how it might sound...
"I notice the report came in at 5:00 rather than 3:00. I have all kinds of ideas going on in my head about this...for example, I am thinking that you have too much on your plate. Bottom line is I’m stressed. One thing I could have done differently is bring this up when it first happened and not blamed you.”
It’s a lot easier to come up with a solution when you don’t feel the need to come up with an excuse. This simple strategy will save you lots of time and aggravation and help you to get the results you desire.
“Steven Gaffney is a professional speaker and author in the area of communication, motivation and leadership.” Copyright 2004 by Steven Gaffney and the Steven Gaffney Company.
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